My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
