I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
