Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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