Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize