Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
