Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
