What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
