just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
