he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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