I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
