you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
