i just wanna soil my oats bro
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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