Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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