After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
