it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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