My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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