So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
