Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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