Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My penis needs a shock collar
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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