he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
