I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
