do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
