I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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