My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
