So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
