I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
