i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
