my vag is so smooth its legendary
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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