There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
