We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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