I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Randomize
