I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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