I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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