I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
