If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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