nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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