my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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