You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
