turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
