So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
