she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
