I am in a vortex of obligation.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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