$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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