did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
