Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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