I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We left the knife in your bed.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
