I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
