He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
