I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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