Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
try to milk me bitch
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