how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
